


Worst Laid Plans

by omgchimeras



Category: Kill la Kill
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Arguing, Comedy, Everyone's A Jerk, F/F, Gen, Miscommunication, Misunderstandings, Slice of Life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-21
Updated: 2014-04-21
Packaged: 2018-01-20 05:34:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,222
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1498570
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/omgchimeras/pseuds/omgchimeras
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Satsuki needs a ride home. Her four friends help her out. Everything goes as bad as it possibly can for almost everyone.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Worst Laid Plans

“Absolutely excessive!”

 

“Completely wasteful!”

 

“Simply asinine!”

 

“Supremely…tacky!”

 

The four Devas of Honnouji Academy could now officially be declared ‘At War’. A four-way glaredown was now being held between the three behind their preferred modes of transportation, or lack thereof in one case.

 

Gamagori Ira stood at his full, intimidating height, peering imperiously down at his three cohorts-turned-rivals. Nonon Jakuzure’s small stature was made up for by the pure venom in her eyes and the unfiltered malice radiating from her person. The analytical eyes of Hoka Inumuta emanated their own cold fury behind his steely, blue glasses. And Uzu Sanageyama stood at his own full height, his eyes burning with passion and his jacket flapping ominously on the slight wind blowing through the parking lot.

 

This had all began several hours earlier, slightly before their classes had started in the cafeteria of their school, all of them seated around their usual, round table accompanied by another of their friends.

 

“Oi, Satsuki, everything okay?” Nonon had asked innocuously, having sensed a certain tension in her friend since they had sat down.

 

Satsuki sighed heavily and brought her cup of tea to her lips before answering. “I am fine Nonon, I simply have to seek out...alternative means of transportation after school today.”

 

“Care to elaborate?” came Inumuta’s inquisitive voice as Sanageyama quirked an eyebrow and Gamagori straightened ever so slightly.

 

“My mother was having one of her phases over the weekend, and happened to be driving my car during a rather violent bout of ‘fighting off old age’.”

 

“Wow, old Discomilf was drinking that hard huh? I always assumed she was a woman who could hold her liquor.”

 

A glare was levied at Sanageyama at his use of his favorite nickname for her mother. Gamagori interjected before an altercation could arise between the two.

 

“What is the status of your car as of now Satsuki?”

 

“Inside a shop, being salvaged for whatever is left that can be useful. It was completely mangled. However, mother managed to accrue  not a scratch; it appears she’s as strong physically as she is unstable mentally.”

 

“And how long will it take until it gets fixed?” asked Nonon with a distinct parcel of anger in her voice at the thought of Satsuki being forced to walk to and from school.

 

“My mother, in her infinite wisdom and graciousness, decided to have it should be rebuilt from its remains as a show of how sorry she was to me. In this case, meaning ‘a very long time until all of the pieces can be refitted and remodeled and painstakingly put back together by workers who could no doubt be spending their time on something far more important’. And that all that will have to include removing the...rainbows.”

 

This statement of course prompted only confused looks from her friends. Unsurprisingly, Sanageyama was the first to pounce on what could only be described as ‘the beginnings of comedy gold’.

 

“Rainbows…?” he asked. His tone and inflection all the question he needed here.

 

Satsuki pinched the bridge of her nose having realised her horrible mistake, but carried on nonetheless.

 

“Just before her accident my mother had visited a store that specialized in glitter and proceeded to purchase two pounds of it.” said Satsuki with a completely straight face. “I would say I have no reason why, but Rei’s explanation was that she intended to have it put into her hair, along with matching rainbow highlights. Understandably, this lead to copious amount of glitter being sprayed about my car at the time of the accident.”

 

Sanageyma took the news in stride and proceeded to throw his head back and laugh his ass off, receiving multiple bewildered looks from across the cafeteria. Horrified looks passed between Inumuta, Gamagori and Nonon while Satsuki returned to her tea.

 

“Ahhhh, you’re mom’s insane though.” Sanageyama breathed out as his fit of laughter came to an end. “Sorry for all the dying I’ve been doing over here, but I needed something to cheer me up before my soc test, and that definitely helped!”

 

“Monkey being a jackass aside,” Nonon said, with a glare to the aforementioned jackass “do you need anything Satsuki?”

 

“Anything that you require, we would happily supply for you!” declared Gamagori as he shot to his feet with one arm across his chest as a show of fealty. He was soon followed by his three cohorts, all united in their resolution to aid their friend.

 

Satsuki herself stood after grabbing her bag and carefully placing her teacup inside of a small metallic case. “Thank you very much. But I shall handle this, I simply need to,” here her face became a grimace and her eyebrows knit together, “acquire a new mode of transportation. Also, that needs to stop.” she said as she pointed in the direction of the four determined teenagers who maintained their stance as if they could not hear her. She sighed at this and waved goodbye to her friends as she departed the cafeteria for her first hour class.

 

The four remaining members of the group relaxed their poses and immediately sat back down. Gamagoori began pouring over his homework from last night, Nonon became just as interested in her sheet music and Sanageyama began silently laughing to himself over his memory of Discomilf’s exploits. Inumuta, who before this conversation had been busily proofreading a paper on his computer had returned to that task.

 

The bell rang to signal that their classes would begin in five minutes and all three migrated out to their respective first classes, Inumuta remained immobile save for his fingers, as this was his exact spot for the study hall that would soon comprise his first hour. It did not take long before he had finished his paper and began browsing the web in the deafening silence of his study hall.

 

It was here that he began to think far too intently on Satsuki’s words. And also here that the day officially began to spiral downhill.

 

Several hours and several class periods later lunch had started up and all four devas again found themselves nestled at their comfy circular table eating their lunches. Satsuki had stepped out early in order ‘acquire necessities’, leaving the foursome sitting at the table.

 

“How is it you always come back from gym smelling like you angered a skunk mafia? Is this your natural state Monkey?” asked Nonon as she scooted her chair away from Sanageyama with a glare.

 

“I play to win. When you work hard, you tend to get smelly. I know you’re not exactly accustomed to working hard in band practice, but trust me, this is the smell of the other team’s defeat!” Sanageyama declared, thrusting his chest out and smiling at Nonon who was turning a violent shade of scarlet at the barb against band.

 

“The day you work half as hard as my least devoted band member is the day you may actually accomplish something worthwhile, Monkey!” said Nonon, rising from her seat to glare even harder at Sanageyama’s.

 

“The day that you make one of your insults sting is as close as the day that you can say one of them to my face, Snake!” declared Sanageyama as he also stood to glare down at her.

 

Two large hands managed to grab both members of the staring contest and return them to their seats.

 

“No fighting here you two.” came a subdued voice. Causing both members of the verbal spar to break their glares before refocusing them to look at Gamagori.

 

“Oi, what’s got you so mellow today?”

 

“Yeah, what’s up Big Stuff? You were doing great today. You stopped that lunch money thief cold, aced that test on helping grandma across the street, and there’s no way they’re ever gonna find that discus you threw-”

 

“Is ‘Grandma Studies’ a real class here? Because you keep bringing it up, and its a bit far for you to go in the name of a really lame joke.” interjected Nonon.

 

“-and then you just fell apart on me at gy-” he cut himself off  and smiled as he realized the problem. And then the arm fold came out as a way for him to celebrate his own genius.

 

Gamagori, for his part, only stared more intensely at his algebra.

 

“What? What! WHAT?” Nonon shouted, her eyes darting from one confident smirk to one intensely focused grimace. Were Gamagori’s cheeks reddening?

 

“I just realized that Mako girl wasn’t here today.” said Sanageyama with all of the assuredness of someone declaring checkmate.

 

“Oh, the slacker was missing today, huh?”

 

“Makanshoku-kun may be a slacker, but she is by far one of the hardest workers I have seen!”

 

Sanageyama scratched his head. “Now wait a minute, you just said something and I don’t…”

 

“Oi, so what did Slacker do to endear herself to you so much, eh Gama?”

 

“Mankanshoku is very untalented but she continually tries her best despite such handicaps regardless of how much she is told that she is bad at something, she perseveres-”

 

“And continues to fail.” whispered Nonon

 

“-regardless of who may tell her to submit!” finished Gamagori, who was now pressing far more firmly into his math journal.

 

“Wait! Hoka, tell the story of how she fell asleep while running The Mile, but she was still running and she finished way faster than half of the class and then she kept...kept running and the coaches had to try and stop her…and she plowed through that fence…!” At this point sanageyama’s face was red and his eyes were slick with tears as his laughter again overtook him.

 

Gamagori had officially bore right through his notebook with the force of his scribbles and was now beginning to etch into the table. A steady hand from Inumuta stopped him from further damaging school property and he nodded his slightly reddening head.

 

For once feeling as if one of her friends had suffered enough, Nonon glanced around for a topic change and zeroed in on the blue haired menace.

 

“Hey, Puppy, you haven’t said a single thing since we sat down. What could you possibly be typing away at now?” she asked with far less bite than normal.

 

“I think we need to talk about something.”

 

Inumuta was using his serious ‘I Have A Plan’ voice, which usually meant something serious needed to be done. All laughter and nervous fretting ceased quite quickly as the persona of the four devas came to the fore.

 

“Lady Satsuki mentioned not having a ride this morning, no?” he asked rhetorically.

“Correct you are Inu, what about it? She said she was getting her own ride, remember?” asked Sanageyama asked as he continued to straighten himself out.

 

“Do you remember anything that isn't a silly joke Uzu? Those were far from her own words. She may have waved us off but she also said that she would need to ‘acquire a new mode of transportation.’”

 

“What’s your point, Dog?” asked Nonon, slightly on edge at the very idea that she had missed something that Satsuki had implied.

 

“We are the four devas for a reason, the elite force that Satsuki trusts more than anyone in the world, friends since Kindergarten even. And we intend to allow our leader to ask around for a way home?  When Satsuki needs to acquire transportation, we need to acquire transportation!”

 

“You've been putting a lot of thought into this Hoka. And you make a very convincing argument. What do you propose that we do?” voiced Gamagori as he rubbed his chin.

 

“I think we all know what to do at this point…” he started. His pause for dramatic effect would be the axis upon which the day was destroyed however. For at that very moment, the bell had rung to signal the end of lunch. Realizing that the time had gotten away from him, Gamagori sprinted off cursing his forgetfulness.

 

It was at that time moment a proverbial sea of the unwashed masses overtook their table, the common folk having also realized their tardiness at the same time as Gamagori. With their natural buffer lost due to Gamagori’s absence, each felt themselves buffeted by the tide and eventually disengaged from each other.

 

What felt like hours later each member had arrived in their respective classrooms, scarred but far stronger for it.

  
Each deva sat down at their desk.

 

All of them with a fire in their eyes and a plan in their hearts.

 

It was the end of the day that lead each deva back to each other, each easily falling into step next to the others as they walked the one long, straight hallway to the parking lot.

 

“You look quite proud of yourself Sanageyama.” said Gamagori, noticing the increased amount of swagger with which his fellow deva walked.

 

“Inspiration doesn’t strike me all the time Gama,but  what can I say? When it does, I act on it and, as I am a genius I’m always proud of myself afterwards.”

 

“What could a monkey have to ever be inspired by?”

 

“Laugh it up Snake, but I happen to be talking about Satsuki’s car situation”

 

“Ah yes, glad to see you listened Uzu, but no need for theatrics…” started Inumuta assuredly

 

“Oh, Satsuki’s problem…” Nonon started while smirking to herself

 

“Indeed, it was no laughing matter so…” Gamagori started while standing proudly while pushing open the right door for his fellow devas and himself.

 

“Just thought I’d let you guys know that…” Sanageyama smirked while following Gama’s lead with the left door.

 

“I took care of it!”

 

There was a silence as each deva dramatically struck a pose in the parking lot for a millisecond before realizing their unexpected unity. Silence immediately overtook them before the ominously loud clanging of the door signaled the start of their scrap. Inumuta was the first to react.

 

“What do you all mean ‘you took care of it’?

 

“You’re the smart one, you dumb idiot dog! What the hell did you mean when you said it?”

 

“I believe we all meant the same thing. You all set out to find a way to assist Satsuki in her attempt to get home?” asked Gamagori, sighing deeply when three nods met his question.

 

“Why in the hell would you three do that? I told you all at lunch that I was handling it!” yelled Inumuta, whose exasperation was now being showcased.

 

“Au contraire my bespectacled friend! Now its your memory that’s fading! I remember you talking specifically about how its our duty as the four devas to seek out transportation for Satsuki!” exclaimed Sanageyama closing the gap between him and Inumuta and brandishing his finger in much the same way one brandishes a sword.

 

“Orrrrr, could it simply be that Doggy wanted all of the credit for himself!”

 

Nonon’s declaration focused the eyes of each member distinctly on Inumuta’s visage. Which was now starting to sweat.

 

“All right fine, lets see what harebrained solutions you all managed to cook up at the last moment, and we'll vote on what we believe would be best for Satsuki.”

 

“We’re not stupid, stupid dog!”

“We will not fall for such simple tricks Inumuta!”

 

“Yeah, we’re not as dumb as you or my french teacher might think!”

 

“This time I have no actual idea what you’re all talking about.”

 

Nonon’s face twisted into a smirk. “We all read Shakespeare too ya know. We know what happens when people get to speak last.”

 

“I had no...I wasn't even considering that you impetuous snake! How would you suggest we go about this then!?” shouted Inumuta, in one of his rare moments of losing his temper. This momentarily surprised Nonon, before a feral grin broke out over her face at the sight of a challenge.

 

“I go last, you go first.” she said, in a mocking tone.

 

Inumuta almost legitimately screamed. He schooled his face, realizing she was toying with him, but not before going through a range of none-too-proper-or-relaxed phases of irritability; the damage had been done, Nonon was now snickering far too happily behind her hand.

 

“Dibs on last.” Sanageyama offered simply, causing the two warring parties to turn and look at him incredulously. “What? Seems like the easiest way to to decide who goes when. Spots Three, Two and One are now open for dib-calling.” he stated with his trademarked cocky smile.

 

“We are not doing this on your outdated ‘dibs’ system.” stated Inumuta flatly.

 

“And even if we were, I already called going last about a minute ago, filthy, forgetful monkey.”

 

“A: the dibs system has survived for thousands of years! It’s not ‘outdated’; it exists in a state far beyond your comprehension, transcendent of other democratic systems, evolved but untamed! B: You only said that to see if Inu’s head would explode from pure hatred,” stated Sanageyama quite seriously, addressing both of his peers in turn. “and you didn't call ‘dibs’ on it anyway. You have to actually say the word.” he added lamely.

 

Both blue and pink participants stood stock still as green finished his spiel about a system of claiming pseudo-property over abstract concepts. Before Inumuta bent low and said to Nonon, “This is what monkeys actually believe.”

 

At the complete unexpectedness of this amount of wit and spite from Inumuta, Nonon promptly lost all composure and began laughing far too loudly for even Sanageyama’s liking.

 

“Well why don’t you come up with a better idea for picking the order other than ‘not-at all’ or ‘I-deserve-it-bcuz-im-teh-smertest!’” said Sanageyama, fiercely pointing at both parties in turn and for once actually on edge over the mocking of his precious system.

 

“This is legitimately sillier idea  than that time Nonon thought her drunken rendition of Beethoven’s fifth would actually impress Satsuki! I can now see why Mrs. Aimée thinks you’re so slow Uzu.” said Inumuta, now feeling confident and venomous enough to strike both of his friends at once.

 

This struck an obvious cord with both of his friends and began an entirely new round of arguing. Each participant steadily drawing closer to the others as they began hurling more and more insults.

 

“Enough!” came a thunderous cry from behind them. Each paused as they realized that Gamagoori was still in full on Authority!mode.  A brown hand held out four seemingly identical sticks between each of the three members. “Shortest to tallest is equivalent to first through last!” Groans met his words.

 

“Drawing straws! Really Gama? We’re not in third grade.” came Nonon’s disbelieving statement but she still grabbed one stick at the stern gaze directed at her from her tallest friend.

 

Gamagori saw the joke about Nonon’s height dawning in Sanageyama’s eyes and quickly turned the same gaze in his direction. Sanageyama looked exasperated but simply took his stick without remark while Inumuta quickly grabbed the second to last one. Each compared and the order fell with Gamagori first, followed by Inumuta, then Nonon and Sanageyama bringing it to a close.

 

“Ruined by your own system it seems.” stated Sanageyama as he watched the tallest deva walk over to his choice of automobile.

 

“There will be no need for psychological suggestion on my part Sanageyama, once my choice is revealed and my reason stated there shall be no dispute about how lady Satsuki should travel home today!” as he said this, he walked over to a car and put his hand upon it to indicate that it was indeed what he had decided would be best.

 

There was silence for as long as Nonon could hold her tongue.

 

“Is that car actually from the fifties? It looks exactly like what gangsters drove around in! Why in the hell would you assume that would be the car that deserves to drive Satsuki home?!”

 

“It looks like that because it is Nonon. I called one of my relatives for a favor. He took one of the cars from his scrapyard-”

 

“And changed it into Frankenstein’s car!”

  
“-and refitted it with an exceptionally sturdy exterior. There is no safer car in existence than this one! The seats are made of leather from Nigeria itself, so supple and soft that most grown men fall asleep simply from the touch! Lady Satsuki deserves nothing less than the utmost in protection and comfort on her ride home so that she may relax in preparation of having to deal with her mother. And she will have both with this car as her transport and me as her driver!”

 

“And yet it manages to look like another car vomited it up.” said Sanageyama as he inspected the suitably horrendous exterior. You think other cars tell cautionary tales about not ending up like this one? Seriously though, the seats don’t even match! Why’s yours a fuzzy pink one?”

 

“Function over form, Sanageyama!”

 

“How does that even…?”

 

“Now that you’ve exposed your truly marvelous monstrosity to the world, may I go? It’s best we see the winner of this competition before Satsuki actually arrives.” said Inumuta, not waiting for a response as he sauntered over to a giant, light blue tarp that had gone unmentioned and unnoticed in their argument. With a flourish, he pulled it off.

 

The silence was far more palpable this time. A full thirty seconds passed before anyone reacted at all, so shocked were they by the dramatic reveal. Standing before them, was a (relatively) tiny helicopter. Though it obviously outclassed all of the surrounding cars in the area, it only managed to take up three parking spaces. The cockpit barely seemed to be able to hold two people.

 

“Inumuta...what is that?” asked Gamagoori.

 

“You really don’t-”

 

“Okay, shut up, he obviously knows what a helicopter is Dog! But how in the hell did you even get that?” demanded Nonon, eyes still wide at the bombastic display before her. Sanageyama might have interjected but he was simply stunned into laughter at the ridiculousness of the situation before him.

 

“Iori and I collaborated to get it brought here.” he responded simply.

 

At this point, Sanageyama actually sat on the ground and curled into himself, only able to mumble phrases while choking on his own laughter. “...brought a helicopter to school!....the where did he get a tarp even?...Collaborated?...where even am I?”

 

“Can you even pilot this piece of junk?” asked Nonon, now walking around the chopper while being waved off from it by Inumuta as he explained.

 

“I can reliably take off and set it to the autopilot setting that Iori and I painstakingly built into it….learning to land is what I intend to do while in the air.” he said as he closed his eyes and braced for impact.

 

“What!” came the strangled cry from Gamagori, seemingly expanding under the pressure of the words he was hearing. “Inumuta, are you telling me you have no idea how to fly this….this obvious deathtrap!”

 

“I told you, autopilot that was painstakingly calculated and implemented by Iori AND myself will be doing the flying. Landing is the part that will take me some time to master but for Lady Satsuki I shall see it done without a hitch.”

 

“Foolishness, I refuse to let this coffin with wings ferry Lady Satsuki anywhere!” said Gamagori, firmly asserting himself. Inumuta, for all of his lankiness, did not back down, but resolutely stepped forward.

 

“What Lady Satsuki needs is not protection, but speed. She has had a long day and is certainly drained from the shenanigans of those less capable than she! I’ve calculated the distance to the Kiryuin Manor myself. While I mean not to scorn you, but I know that your driving skills can only get you there at a minimum of one and a half hours.” While the comfortable speed that I can fly this at we will arrive there is less than ten minutes.”

 

“All the time you’ll need to learn how to land!” ground out Gamagori exasperatedly, still glaring at Inumuta. For Inumuta’s part, he bit the inside of his mouth hard but straightened as he readied his ace.

 

“I understand your complaint Gamagori, but if Lady Satsuki comes out here right now and hears all of our idea and accepts mine, will you really object to her decision?”

 

Gamagori started at this question, obviously caught between two conflicting schools of thought.

 

“I…I submit to your, no, to Lady Satsuki’s judgement.” he said as he took a step back to signal his defeat in the arena of verbal sparring.

 

“Great, now all we need do is wait for her to get here and we can take off.”

 

“Blasted, stupid, forgetful, pompous Dog!” asserted Nonon as she finished her lap around the plane and placed a kick right at Inumuta’s shin causing him to hop around on one leg for a moment while staring daggers at her.

 

“Fine, fine, what vehicle do you proffer for Lady Satsuki to ride home?”

 

Nonon stood up tall with a confident smirk on her face and a supreme air of smugness as she closed her eyes and brought her thumb up to point at her chest. “Me!”

 

Sanageyama had managed to get to one knee and was bringing himself to a stand when he heard the statement and promptly fell back to the ground with convulsions of laughter. Nonon’s face reddened as she realized exactly what she had said and her mouth flapped soundlessly for a moment before she could articulate.

 

Sanageyama was far faster in regaining something resembling composure this time around. From his place on the ground he managed to gasp out “Please...explain...more.” before collapsing back into immature giggles.

 

“While Uzu is stupid, he raises a good point. What exactly did you mean by that Nonon?” asked Inumuta inquisitively.

 

Nonon cleared her throat as she tried to suppress the blush that had crept up her face at Sanageyama’s peals of laughter and the previous implications that had caused such.

 

“I’m not driving her home and neither is Satsuki. We are both going to walk. And before you start shouting about how long it will take Dog,” said Nonon, glaring as she spotting the horrified face Inumuta was making, “I already know and that is the entire point. With the hours it will take for us to her home, we’ll be able to talk all about her horrible mother and she can get all of her problems off of her chest. What lady satsuki needs is someone to hear all of her problems so that she herself need not carry all of them!”

 

“You seem to have put a lot of thought into this Jakuzure. Admirable dedication.” declared Gamagoori.

 

“Yes, great, dedication at its finest, but you realize that Satsuki never lets anyone sleep over at her house, correct?”

 

“Yes, what of it Dog?”

 

“That means, you will either have to walk all the way back to here to get your car or walk all the way home as well. And while I may not boast to be very physically capable, I also know that you are not. Not to mention the amount of time Satsuki is losing on her homework and her studies by engaging in your plan.”

 

“My legs and Satsuki’s brain can more than handle a couple hours of walking!” declared Nonon though her faced betrayed the fact that she had not realized that she would need to effectively double or triple her time spent on her feet. Half of that time without Satsuki.

 

“Well, now that you guys have entertained me for long enough, I believe I can take my place at the winner’s circle unmatched!” said Uzu as he sprang to his feet with fire in his eyes. He simply did not wait for the others to heckle him as he raced around the parking lot, intending to bring his car around to them. Giving the others all of the time in the world to discuss without him.

 

“We've covered cars, walking, and helicopters, what could Monkey possibly bring to the table?”

“I would say I have faith in Uzu, but I’m just too far gone today, so really I think he’s just going astonish us with his ineptitude. I sincerely hope that it’s just a boat.” At this, Nonon and Inumuta stifled their own set of giggles.

 

“I still have confidence in Sangeyama. He is not to be counted out in times where he has been pushed to his limits. I’m sure he may just surprise us.” said Gamagori and he crossed his arms and waited while sanageyama’s car pulled directly in front of the trio. The garishly green paint of sanageyama’s car gleamed in the sunlight while the owner of said ghastly green monstrosity stepped out of the drivers seat and in front of his friends.

 

“Is that it?” asked Nonon simply.

 

“No! Gimme a minute Snake, I just...God, I got this.” said Sageyama as he opened his book bag out of sight of his three compatriots and quickly ran around to the right side of his car. There was a pealing sound followed by a smack as Uzu hit his car. This bizarre series of events happened two more times on the back and left side of his car before he wheeled back around to the front. After ripping off the car decal from the last sheet of stickiness preserving paper he slapped  picture of a grinning, green monkey with a crown on its head onto the hood of his car. At this he turned to his friends and grinned triumphantly.

 

“What is even wrong with you?” asked Gamagoori, composure finally breaking down and rendering him completely at a loss for the rigors of civil conversation.

 

“Remember when you had faith in him?” asked Inumuta smugly.

 

“What are you even doing! I don’t- what is this Monkey? Decorations for your car? How is that supposed to help Satsuki!” joined in Nonon.

 

“They’re green flames and a green monkey, look he even has a crown! I know you keep telling me it’s not ‘scientifically sound’ but I’m still certain the flames will make it go faster and it’s a monkey, like me!” said Sanageyama as he glanced at Inumuta and Nonon while also gesturing toward his car.

 

“Sincerely Sanageyama, were you mishandled as a child?” asked Gamagori, now cupping his face with his palm.

 

“Are you even allowed to drive after that time you were blinded in chemistry?” asked Nonon with all of the sadistic glee of a child stepping on a cockroach.

 

“We’re not talking about that right now. Or ever, we’re not talking about what happened to my beautiful eyes.”

 

“Correct, stay on task Nonon, at the moment we’re ridiculing Sanageyama for his stickers not his propensity for mishandling chemicals.”

 

“Oh, my mistake, I’ll try to focus up from now on.”

 

“Come on, it’s the normal way to travel. Just what Satsuki needs right now. No planes, no walks, and no super cars...right? You guys aren’t even warming up to this a little?”

 

“This was just an excuse for you to get those car decals wasn't it Uzu?” asked Inumuta knowingly.

 

“You’re the ones who wanted to see them!” yelled Sanageyama angrily, redness now touching his cheeks slightly.

 

“NO! You’re the one who wanted to show them! You’re the one who got to go last and you blew it. Wait, you’re the one who even brought this whole thing up in the hallway before we got out here! This is all your fault Monkey!”

 

“Okay Snake, we’re all just going to forget how Inummuta dragged us into this whole thing at lunch, huh?” said Sangeyama as he glared first at the pinkette and then at the blue haired menace. Inumuta was ready with a response but was cut off before he could even begin.

 

“Inumuta’s plan is dangerous and irrational! I refuse to believe that Satsuki would ever choose such a method to return home in!” said Gamagori now also looking at Inumuta.

 

“Jakuzure’s method is nothing but a time sink so that she can faux hit on Lady Satsuki\\!” he quipped in response, leveling his own gaze at her while pointedly ignoring Gamagori’s own.

 

“Monkey’s plan is literally the acquisition of stickers and probably some stupid joke about them, like every other time!”

 

“Gamagori’s plan is too paranoid and the car he chose would look better in a museum. A museum that Satsuki would never visit!” he added as an afterthought.

 

“Absolutely excessive!”

 

“Completely wasteful!”

 

“Simply asinine!”

 

“Supremely…tacky!”

 

Around and around the blame went, each deva hurling their respective insults at the others. Long forgotten were the merits of their own plans but now fresh and easily spotted were the flaws in every other mode of transportation. The bickering went on and on until the door to the parking lot opened once again and a bright light followed it. Satsuki Kiryuin stood with her book bag in one hand, one eyebrow quirked at the sight of her four friends yelling at each other.

 

The devas quickly forgot their argument as the light washed over them and took up positions, forming two rows of two, each  trying desperately to forget their hatred of every fiber of the other. Gamagori elbowed Inumuta slightly and nodded at him to explain. Inumuta quickly scuttled out from his position and began.

 

“Lady Satsuki, we understood your wishes this morning and have been scrambling to get you home in the way best suited to you.”  
  
“Satsuki I will gladly drive you home in this! I shall make sure that no car on the road comes within spitting distance of disturbing your ride home.” said Gama hurriedly presenting his vintage Frankenstein-Mafia car.

 

“Lady Satsuki, I believe the most efficient mode of travel would be this helicopter, as we speak I am learning how to get the landing exactly right-” said whilst fumbling for a yellow and black about landing for dummies.

 

“Doggy has no idea what he’s doing, you can ride me home- I mean walk with me Satsuki, we can talk and walk, and walk...and walk.” said Nonon, face reddening and then becoming deathly pale as she repeated her Freudian slip and then remembered how much walking she’d be doing.

 

“Forget these three,” said Sanageyama as he jumped atop the hood of his own vehicle, “look Satsuki, I just got these sick decals. Now I know you know I like green, and flames, and monkeys and I got all three. And I definitely got a new joke to throw your way, spoilers: it’s based on these stickers, oh and I know like 78% of the way to your house, you just need to tell me most of the middle part!”

 

Each deva look expectantly at their leader as they finished describing their respective plans. For her part, Satsuki merely quirked an eyebrow from her place at the top of the three stairs leading down to the parking lot. She opened her mouth to speak but closed it again as the sound of a motorcycle was made audible from somewhere in the distance and grew increasingly louder. Each deva turned to view the loud hum of the engine that was now interrupting their competition, ready to descend upon the unfortunate rider. The eyes of each deva widened as they spotted the driver pull directly in front of their position and address Satsuki directly. Said motorcycle had a black body with red highlights along the side, just like the hair of its owner.

 

“Oi, Kiryuin, you still need a ride home?” asked Ryuko Matoi, quirking a brow and blatantly ignoring the other members of the parking lot. Satsuki merely chuckled as she stepped down from the top of the stairs while pulling white and blue helmet out of her bag and placing it atop her head and latching it tightly in place before seating herself directly behind Ryuko on the still-humming bike.

 

“You’re really wearing a helmet? You’re such a loser. Ah!” shouted Ryuko as a similar helmet was placed atop her head and tightened for her by her passenger. She wheeled around to angrily address her but was greeted with a hand mirror that showed her that the helmet matched the black and red paint job of her bike and her hair perfectly. She sighed in defeat before nodding at her own waist and waiting until she felt two arms wrap around her before retracting her kickstand and taking off.

 

All four Devas stood stunned at the spectacle that had just taken place in front of them.

 

“Completely unsafe.” said Gamagori in a surprisingly meek tone, finally succumbing to his shattered pride and sitting down on the ground, only able to stare off into the distance as the motorcycle made its way into the sunset.

 

“It’s going to take them forever to get home. There won’t even be enough space for Matoi to duck through traffic.” stated Inumuta as he too fell to the ground in a pile of shattered self-confidence and horribly mangled statistics.

 

“Why would Satsuki fraternize with that useless delinquent? They’re constantly fighting! And she doesn't know anything about Satsuki’s mother!” asked Nonon as she too collapsed to the ground in a fit of her own fury at the injustice of this world.

 

“Yeah, but did you guys see the decals on her bike though?” asked Sanageyama triumphantly from his place on his car hood.

**Author's Note:**

> Heyo, I wrote a fic, first time for this fandom too! I can only hope to get inspired and not lazy enough to continue. Please be gentle what with the reviews and all, if ya notice any mistakes let me know and I'll go fix em if I can. Man I'm so new at this site.
> 
> Still, shameless self-plugs are nice too:
> 
> Tumbler: whychimeras


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